


Doubts

by moxhiistarr



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Comforting Crowley (Good Omens), Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Aziraphale (Good Omens), Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Canon, Wingfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-27
Updated: 2019-07-29
Packaged: 2020-07-23 04:24:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20002282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moxhiistarr/pseuds/moxhiistarr
Summary: - Even angels have bad days and Aziraphale has had his fair share of them throughout the centuries.- Comforting!Crowley- Angst with a happy ending- Author is self-projecting onto fictional characters that don’t deserve any pain- BEWARE!!! ABUSE OF ITALICS!!!!- footnotes :)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> \- I feel like I’ve been hurting Crowley too much in my fics :,)  
> \- So my new victim is Aziraphale. (・｀ω´・)  
> \- This fic is a sort of based on my own experiences with depression/anxiety. So this was kind of therapeutic for me. I was happy to get it out of my system.  
> \- I hope that if any of y’all are going through hard times please tell somebody that you trust and love because holding in pain is n o t good. (I should know I’m guilty of doing it myself. All. The. Time.)  
> \- And if you don’t have a good support group. (Which is something I also understand myself.) There are many sources out there to help. Talk to a counselor or call/text a hotline - I know it may be scary at first but their job is to help you so don’t be hesitant. (741741 is the US text line. If you want to use it.)  
> \- If you don’t use it is fine. Just know that there are people out there that love and care about you!!!  
> \- Anyways… thanks for listening to my TEDTalk. (lol) Have a wonderful day/night cuties!

Aziraphale lost a few hours again. Not that he minded it anymore, it just happened now. 

_“What was it this time?”_ He thought to himself as he looked around the back room of his little bookshop. In front of him, on the coffee table, there were a few gossip magazines lying about (probably Crowley’s), a half eaten plate of biscuits, and a teacup that he swore was steaming just a few seconds ago. But now it was just cold and unappetizing. _“Forgotten tea… Well that’s not_ **_too_ ** _bad.”_ He rationalized before getting up to make himself another cup. He didn’t remember taking out the biscuits and eating them. It probably wasn’t that important though since he forgot they were even there. What concerned him were the magazines, _“Was Crowley here?”_ His mind weighed heavily on the thought for a moment. If he was here he wouldn’t have been here long, right? Crowley would’ve called first. What if he did? Has it really only been a few hours? Days? Weeks? If Crowley came he wouldn’t have left so soon - especially when Aziraphale looked like _this_ . “ _Oh. Don’t be so selfish.”_ He scolded, _“You shouldn’t assume that he’s so concerned about you. Crowley has better things to take care of. You’re just a bad angel who can’t even keep track of the time.”_ Admittedly, the angel wasn’t looking so great these days. He was definitely more worn, his hair disheveled and pointed in every direction, his clothes wrinkled, and the dark circles under his eyes were very prevalent now. 

Crowley commented on it once, probably out of disgust. “Are you alright, Angel?” _Ugk._ Why did Crowely have to call him by _that_ name. He didn’t really feel like an angel… not very holy either, just a shell of something that didn’t belong here. Didn’t belong with Crowley.

“I’m fine. It’s just work.” He replied, hastily. Aziraphale felt his pulse racing in his ears. Why was he nervous?

“Work?” Crowley teased. “Angel, you barely open your shop.” A grin came to the demons face and it made Aziraphale feel small.

_“Of course he would say that… You stupid, stupid angel.”_

“I-I mean…” He paused, looking downward. “The books always need rearranging. It’s been decades since I’ve been able to get them in order.” 

“Why do that?” Crowley asked. “Doing all of that work is meaningless if the customers are going to mess it up again.” Meaningless… is that all Aziraphale did? Meaningless work?

“I know…” The angel looked up again there was a forced smile pulling at the corners of his lips. “But it keeps me busy.” 

“Alright.” The demon sighed, leaning back on his heels and turning towards Aziraphale. He then decided to run fingers along the spines of some dusty books. “If it makes you happy.”

The tea kettle whistled and Aziraphale was pulled back into reality. He got up abruptly from where he was sitting and set his mind back on the task at hand. There were more important things than just sitting around all day. Aziraphale really did want to organize his books and quite enjoyed the task. Well… until recently, anyways. Or maybe it started before then... It wasn’t the first time the angel felt like he was in a slump - The Holy Water Incident, the Spanish Inquisition, the Ark, and the War in Heaven…

_“Forget about that.”_ He just needed to let it go. It was a long time ago, it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. 

Aziraphale straightened his shoulders and took in a deep breath, bringing his mind back to the tea. It was dark outside now. When did that happen? _“Stop it, Aziraphale.”_ Yes. The tea… He took the kettle in his hand and poured it before letting his mind wander again. The tea spilled. 

“Damn it.” The angel cursed. He placed the kettle down on the stove angrily. Not even bothering to clean the mess that he just made. A heat rose within his chest and his throat clenched. Frustration? Anger? Sadness… No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Forget it, Aziraphale. It doesn’t matter, Aziraphale. You need to let it go, Azirapahle. You need to be happy, Azirapahle. You’re an angel, Azirapahle. You have to be _strong_ … But he wasn’t was he? He was soft. He was weak. He was broken.

_“You should just give up.”_

“Stop.” Aziraphale slumped down to the ground slowly as fresh tears streamed down his cheeks. The walls were beginning to close in on the angel and he needed space. He needed to breath.

_“What were you expecting? Huh? Happily ever after? You know he’s going to find out about this sooner or later.”_ Aziraphale grabbed tightly at his waist as his wings manifested themselves. They created a cocoon around him, a weak attempt to shield himself from everything that was happening in his mind. _“When were you going to tell him? That you’re broken. That you’re useless.”_ The angel’s breath quickened. _“Pathetic. You can’t even make yourself a cup of tea without breaking down completely. How do you expect him to love you if you can’t even do that?”_

“I-I think he d-does.” Aziraphale gasped, it was all he could manage to say in his current state.

_“Looking like that? Fat chance.”_

But he said.. 

_“He probably only told you he loved you because he felt sorry for you. You’re so self-centered Aziraphale. He probably feels miserable every time he’s around you. Boring him to death with your elaborate stories. Greedily taking his time and money when ever you eat out together. He does so much for you and you take it all for granted.”_

I-I don’t. I…

_“Why lie about it? You’re only making yourself look worse. I hope you’re happy. Weighing everyone down all the time.”_

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. 

_“No you’re not.”_

Was he really that cruel? He never meant to hurt Crowley. He would never even imagine doing so, at least not purposely. But maybe that was the problem, he was just ignorant. Ignorant and foolish. Crowley surely didn't need someone like that. Didn't deserve someone like that. Someone who took advantage of his pity. Someone who did meaningless things, like rearranging bookshelves or ramble on about frivolous subjects. Someone who couldn't make _fucking_ tea. 

"Aziraphale?" A familiar voice called out from the kitchen's entrance. It was Crowley. 

_"No, please. Go- Someone… He wasn't supposed to be here…"_

"Is that you?" The voice asked, this time accompanied by the sound of footsteps, this caused Aziraphale's heart to drop and he anxiously pulled his wings closer to his body. "Shh… It's okay." The demon reassured, kneeling down in front of the Aziraphale, who was in worse shape than ever. “I won’t hurt you, Angel.”

_“There's that name again.”_

Crowley inched closer to Aziraphale, his face pale with fear as his eyes fixated on the old wooden floor. He couldn't focus. Everything was happening too fast. 

  
"Aziraphale." The demon said, in a steady voice, snapping the angel back into the moment. He took off his sunglasses before speaking again, "Look, it's just me. Nothing's going to happen to you as long as I'm here." Aziraphale slowly raised his head, meeting Crowley's gaze. The demon’s eyes where a brilliant golden yellow, a stark contrast to the usually dimly lit bookshop. "Good. Do you mind if I touch you?" Crowley waited patiently for a response, and the angel nodded. The demon pulled Aziraphale close and rubbed circles into his back, then began to whisper sweet nothings into the angel’s hair. Aziraphale just stayed there silently, tracing his fingers along the hemming of Crowley's blazer. The task helped to calm his nerves as he concentrated on every detail in the stitching. He tried to fight off the pull of sleep, stirring restlessly under Crowley’s grasp, the demon took notice. “Just relax.” He instructed quietly, and the angel obeyed. Aziraphale’s eyelids became very heavy as he breathed in Crowley’s familiar scent - petrichor with a hint of cinnamon - and it wasn’t long before he started to doze off. ¹

* * *

¹ Crowley smells like fresh rain and wears cinnamon flavored cologne. Aziraphale smells like old books (obliviously) and freshly baked chocolate chip cookies.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> \- Aziraphale and Crowley wake up the next morning and talk about the night before.  
> \- Sleepy Cuddles!!! ☆*:. o(≧▽≦)o .:*☆ (i am such a sucker for this)  
> \- more footnotes!  
> \- brief mention of Witchfinder Sergeant Shadwell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- oh the sequel!!!  
> \- i hope you enjoy it. it was actually pretty challenging to write (not that i didn’t enjoy making it tho… i just couldn’t figure out how to end the story.) ＼（Ｔ∇Ｔ）／

When Aziraphale awoke the next morning he found himself wrapped in Crowley’s embrace, as they both lay together on the bed that he barely used. The demon’s long limbs wrapped around him snugly with his head buried in the angel’s chest. Aziraphale could only sit and watch, careful not to wake the sleeping form next to him. 

_“Crowley always looks so peaceful when he’s asleep.”_ Aziraphale thought to himself, as he ran his fingers through the demon’s fiery hair, it felt so soft to the touch. He then watched Crowley for what seemed like an eternity before the demon began to stir, his eyes opened slowly as he caught sight of the angel.

“There you are.” Crowley mumbled and he tightened his grip around the Aziraphale’s torso.

“Good morning, my dear. Sleep well?”

“Mhmm. And you?” Crowley looked up to Aziraphale with bleary eyes and grinned happily. Aziraphale couldn’t help but feel his chest tighten at the sight.

“Very well. Thank you for asking.”

“Thank you answering.” Crowley replied, placing a chaste kiss on the angel’s jaw. “I could barely get a word out of you last night.” 

“I’m awfully sorry. You weren’t supposed to see that.” Aziraphale murmured. 

“Aziraphale it really isn’t-”

“Well, it was for me.” Aziraphale cut Crowley off suddenly as he spoke. **¹** “It was absolutely unacceptable for me to burden you with my issues. I should have been more careful.” He looked up at the ceiling as he talked, no longer able to face the demon next to him. Crowley just listened silently. “I know you have better things to worry about and you shouldn't waste your time on me. Especially, someone who can’t even keep his composure half of the time.” The angel laughed dryly, trying to hide the pain in his voice. “Sometimes I wonder if I should just give up… letting everything go.” He joked, though there was too much weight behind the statement for it to be even remotely funny. 

“You’re not talking about what I think you are, right?” Crowley questioned, though deep down he already knew what Aziraphale was implying. The angel just gave the demon a tight lipped smile in response, looking down at his hands. “Oh, Angel… you couldn’t possibly… I would never have…” 

“It’s alright. You have nothing to worry about my boy, I gave that idea up a long time ago.” Aziprahle sighed, turning back towards Crowley. “I’ve already thought about it a thousand times, although I've never actually followed through with the ordeal. Too much effort. Believe it or not it is very hard to find hellfire when you are an angel.” **²** Crowley could only stare back at the angel, completely astonished as questions rattled in his mind.

_“How long? Why didn’t I know? I should’ve done something sooner. I could have helped him. If I just knew how he felt. I-”_

“What about the holy water?” He finally asked, “You were so against it. Was that why? Because you were going to...”

“I thought that you might’ve… I know it’s ridiculous looking back at it now. But I was so afraid that you could just leave me. If I had the idea to… you know… Who was I to say that you didn’t too? I even had night terrors about finding you as a puddle on the floor a-an-”

“Shh… It’s fine, Angel. I’m so sorry for scaring you. I will never hurt you like that again.”

“Nothing you could do would ever hurt me. I did it all to myself, this was my fault Crowley. Not yours.” The angel said, taking in a deep breath before continuing. "I apologize for not trusting you sooner."

"Don't." Crowley said, "I'm glad you waited as long as you did, actually. I probably would've gotten killed. Especially since Shadwell was there running the operation." **³**

"We don't have the most reliable human operatives, do we?" Aziraphale asked, lightheartedly.

"No. No we don't." Crowley chuckled, amused by the statement.

_"Shadwell that crazy old man…"_

“By the way, your wings look nice.”

“Wings?” The angel questioned, before looking behind him as his face turned red in embarrassment. Then he instantly tucked them away into another plane of existence. "Sorry. I forgot they were there." He said, as if he needed an explanation. 

"I don't mind." Crowley responded. "You shouldn't apologize so much. You did nothing wrong, Angel. Now that I think about it, I don't think you can do anything wrong."

"Sor-" Aziraphale said, before catching himself. "I-I mean…"

"Don't worry. We'll just have to work on that… Can you tell me what happened last night?”

“It’s really nothing you should concern yourself with, Crowley. As I said before, I should have been more careful. I was being foolish.”

“Angel, we’ve known each other for six-thousand years and I’ve never seen you so shaken up in my life. You couldn’t possibly expect me to accept an answer like that and just write it off as nothing. Please, tell me. What’s troubling you?”

“I don’t know.” Aziraphale plainly stated. “I-I don’t know… I just get this feeling sometimes. Well it’s not really feeling more like a haziness… I know that probably doesn’t make sense, but it’s the best way I can describe it.” The angel looked down nervously, contemplating on what he should say next. “I’ve always been this way - only able to perceive the world through a tainted lens. When it first happened, I didn’t think much of it. I just put my thoughts into the back of my mind and it worked for some time, before I started to have breakdowns…” The angel trailed off as memories of the previous night fled through his mind. “But eventually I was able to get over that as well, until the Apocalypse, that is. As soon as you told me about the Boy, all of these feelings just became too overwhelming. It’s a miracle that I was able to keep it together for so long. I had to. I was so scared of losing everything. Losing you… Then there was the Trial, and all of these scenarios ran through my mind. That I would say something wrong, I-I would make a mistake, or they would see past our ch-charade. A-And when I saw what the holy water could do. All I thought of was you. That’s when I… when I s-snapped.” He said too much. Aziraphale’s hands began to quiver as a new round of tears fell down his cheeks. 

“Hush, love…” The demon whispered, taking Aziraphales’s hands in his own and placing gentle kisses along the back of his knuckles, up his neck, on his cheeks, then finally on his lips. The final kiss was very passionate and when they finished both Crowley and Aziraphale were nearly breathless. “I promise, I’ll be with you as long as you need me.”

“You don’t have to trouble yourself, dearest.”

“I know. But I want to. I want you to be happy, Aziraphale. It may take me some time, or maybe another six-thousand years. I don’t care about any of that though, because at least I’d know you wouldn’t have to face this on your own.” The angel couldn’t help but smile when the demon said that, (probably the first genuine smile he had in months, if he were to be completely honest with himself) and he found himself being pulled closer into the demon’s grasp. They laid there for a bit longer and the sounds of bustling pedestrians outside made its way into the small space. The day was in full swing now - people were walking busily and going about their lives - but none of that was important now because they had each other, and that’s all that mattered.

* * *

**¹** When Aziraphale is serious or angry his voice d r o p s. It’s kinda creepy… and is very intimidating. You don’t want to get on the angel’s bad side because you will **_not_** have a good time. It may not look like it, but Aziraphale can deal some serious damage. (He wasn’t given a flaming sword for nothing.)

 **²** Hellfire is _very_ hard to locate and there are only two places where you can get it.

  1. A demon.
  2. If you know the right witch/occultist (but even that is a bit questionable).



**³** If they actually followed through with the operation, they wouldn’t have even made it into the church where the holy water was kept.


End file.
